Haven musings

Spoilers but I assure you even if you've never seen this and you read this, it won't ruin a single thing

Haven, Maine: where shit gets weird

Happy 2017 guys!!!

So it's been a very long time since I wrote one of these bad boys. One of my goals this year is to write at least once a month because writing last year once a week got to be so awful and stressful, I ended up not writing at all. Shit, I haven't written anything since this summer when I watched Stranger Things like a million times. But this year, I will be better, starting now with Haven. Netflix just put up the final episodes of Haven and so of course I had to binge it.

So Haven is a show I doubt most of you have seen and that's okay. It's a show, based on a Stephen King novella "The Colorado Kid", about a woman who shows up to a little seaside town in Maine and discovers she has a mysterious past and connection with the town. Every part of that summary is putting it EXTREMELY mildly but I'll try to ease you into it. So let me answer some of your questions....

Is it good? ....Let's come back to this one.

Is it well written? Well written in the fact that it's a cohesive, complex yet non convoluted story? No. But it has gems like this so you be the judge....

"I can't eat you. You're going to save me." *lays down* - Sophie, Who, What, Where Wendigo

"You try operating a supernatural door to another dimension using a vampire novel and a positive attitude." - Duke, See No Evil

"Use your car as a shield, her microwaves will kill you!" - Nathan, Much Ado About Mara

Is it well acted? No, not really. I mean it's not TERRIBLY acted but it's not something where you are like give anyone on that show any kind of award at all. It's got some heavy hitters like a dude from the Buffy pilot, two WWE superstars, and William Shatner, if that tells you....anything?

It has a female lead, is it a feminist show? No, not in the slightest. Not even a little bit. There's only 1 female actress who is in all the seasons and that's the main character, Audrey. There are 5 dude characters who are in multiple seasons, 4 of which are in every season and the other dude is in 4 of the 5 seasons. (All white dudes btw, because OBVI). In the beginning, she's a sort of savior but as the seasons go on, she's more of a damsel in distress which is some serious weak sauce if you ask me.

Is it close to the Stephen King novella "The Colorado Kid"? No, again, not even at all. The novella is about a intern reporter at a newspaper talking with her bosses about an old news story where a guy was found dead and it stumped everyone. There's no super powers, time traveling barn, or other dimensions. Just an unsolved murder. I have no idea how the creators went from that to this...........

Is it good? It's entertaining as shit and bat shit crazy, so in that way yes. In the terms of quality television? No but I've seen worse but at least they answer all the insane questions asked (Lost, the show I'm talking about is Lost.)

So....are you still with me?

That's okay, I've watched all 5 seasons of the show and I still feel that way.

How crazy is this show really? Well it aired on the SyFy network, you know the network that brought us the cinematic masterpieces of the Sharknado trilogy. Bearing that in mind, Audrey Parker is an FBI agent sent to Haven, Maine to investigate the whereabouts of an escaped convict, there she finds a woman who accidentally kills a man by controlling the weather and that's the first episode. But Parker isn't actually an FBI agent, she's actually a being that is hundreds of years old from another world that shows up in that Maine town every 27 years and helps people with some supernatural powers and then disappears back into a barn for another 27 years. She teams up with the local detective, Nathan Wournos, who is one of the people in town with superpowers, or as they call them "troubles". Nathan's trouble is that he can't feel anything. Doesn't sound like much of a trouble until you realize that means he can't bang, that's pretty fucked, or I guess un-fucked? There's also a local criminal/smuggler-friend-o, Duke, that is always at odds with Nathan and is in some sort of love triangle with him and Audrey. Luckily they wrap that up quickly enough and then it's the Nathan and Audrey show, which gets old. (Please stop telling me that you love each other and SHOW ME, also that is valid life advice. Don't trust a person who says they love you but doesn't act like they do.) Duke has a trouble too, it's a murder trouble, my favorite kind. If he kills a troubled person, it ends the trouble for the entire family (oh yeah, they run in families and later on we find out there's a genetic marker, there's the science part of this fiction, bitches!) Audrey uses Duke in times where the trouble can't be contained like a family  whose trouble is that when the men in the family cry, someone somewhere randomly dies. An infant's trouble is triggered after his mom dies by these ether people and Audrey makes Duke kill the baby's father so that the trouble ends. (Haven, Maine: Fun for the whole family!)

Whoever the fuck came up with the nickname "Colorado Kid" is the one who should've been killed.

So the main thing taken from the Stephen King story is the unsolved mystery of the Colorado Kid's death. In the book, he's just a dude that was from Colorado that was found on the beach with a suitcase and a half eaten choked up steak or something in his throat. They couldn't figure out how he got there, when he got there, how he could've gotten something to eat to even get stuck in his throat, if it was an accident or foul play. In the TV show, it's much more mysterious than choking on a burger that wasn't around him. No one knew the Colorado Kid (actually many people did, they just lied for lying's sake), no one remembered what happened that day on the beach (that is true, that's what happens when Croatoan shows up, they call it lost time), and he had no cause of death except black eyes (like the eyeballs were black, not that he got punched in the face). It drives most of the first 3 seasons, Audrey with red hair standing in front of the Colorado Kid on the front page of that newspaper, but Audrey thought it was her mom and that her mom loved that kid. Turns out it was Audrey, her 1980's version of herself (Lucy) and that the dead dude was her son that she had back in her 1950's version of herself (Sarah). Confused yet? Just wait. The Colorado Kid (James) was put in the barn that Audrey/Lucy/Sarah always has to go into and makes the troubles go away for another 27 years, she did that  back in the 1980s to keep her son alive. When they're finding all this shit out, turns out the dad is Nathan, but present day Nathan. He accidentally gets sent back in time and runs into Sarah and is all bow chicka bow wow, bang city USA baby. Soooo all this comes to a head when a troubled serial killer comes into town in season 3 and is able to wear the skin of the people she killed, turns out it was James's wife trying to stay young and beautiful for 27 years since her husband was going to come out of the barn not aged at all. Well shit goes down, the barn explodes, the troubles don't go away this time, Audrey comes back as a new person, Lexie, and they just drop the whole fucking Colorado Kid storyline. WHO CARES, AMIRIGHT? Eventually the writers do go back to it as I'm sure people complained like WTF happened, can anyone at all explain anything? I'm not sure what happened to James in the barn, I think he just dies, but they do go on to figure out what happened to him on the beach back in the 1980's where no one remembers and that picture was taken. So what happens was that a thinnie opens up (a doorway between the void and our world) and Dave, the newspaper owner, was drawn near it because he's a half human/half weirdo world being, and is possessed by Croatoan, who is Audrey's father. Croatoan needs ether, which is the shit in a person that makes them troubled so he sucks it out of the Colorado Kid, which kills him  but he didn't get enough to live on so he gets sucked back into the void when the thinnie closes. DOES THAT CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU?? Jesus, take the wheel.

In this picture: Audrey's son (that she had when she was 1950s version Audrey with present day Nathan) being killed  in the 1980s by Dave, the newspaper dude. possessed by Croatoan, an evil being from the void that killed all the settlers at Roanoke Island and also is Audrey's dad. Her son will from here on out be known as the Colorado Kid. 

So Audrey is actually not the original, nor is Sarah or Lucy. The original Audrey is actually Mara, her parents are Croatoan (I forget his real name, just the evil name he takes on. He's played by William Shatner, so there's that) and Charlotte. Hey fun fact! The actress that plays Audrey/Sarah/Lucy/Mara's mom was born in 1980 and is actually 1 year older than the actress that places Audrey/etc, meanwhile her husband/father of Audrey and co is William Shatner and he was born in 1931. 50 fucking years in age difference, because 80 man years is the equivalent to 30 woman years. Be right back I'm going to be vomiting forever........................okay I'm back. Anyways, Mara is the one that created the troubles with her little lover dude named William, who's brought into the story for like 2 seconds and then dropped for whatever reason. Charlotte created the barn to get Mara to repent for the shitty things she did to this town but the barns gets destroyed by Nathan's dumb ass and the troubles don't go away. and Mara is brought back and Audrey disappears and Charlotte has to come in and figure out what the fuck just happened. But little does Charlotte know that her hubby was the one that made Mara fucking bat shit nuts, as men often do to women. Some Haven voodoo is done, Audrey and Mara separate, Charlotte has to decide which  one to save- her actual daughter or the dying facsimile with blonde hair? She picks Audrey because everyone loves Audrey and Mara was super fucking annoying, But that doesn't solve the troubles, they are still there and now the Big Bad is coming: Croatoan. He comes back and kills Charlotte, through possessing Dave, and then tries to take over the city with Audrey by his side. Audrey's like ummm HARD PASS, you just murdered my mom like 3 seconds ago plus you want to murder a bunch of other people, and I'm only down with murder when Duke does it by my bidding, mmmk? Randomly he's like okay I won't kill everyone in the city, I'll go in this new barn you just made and leave quietly because you asked. But the barn won't work without looooooooove and he doesn't have it so Audrey is like I'll go because I loooooooooove Nathan. Then for some reason, she's allowed to come back but she comes back as a different person AGAIN and it doesn't matter to Nathan because he don't give a damn about the personality, he just about that out of this world vajayjay. (That's my theory, because all the characters were super different and he was like in love with all of them so it's gotta be her goodies)

Me too girl.

So here are a sample of some of the troubles they encounter... there's a girl who can draw things and her drawings can affect the real world, like if she draws a tree and rips it, the branch breaks off. There's this great scene where a guy is holding everyone hostage because he has a picture of Haven and he just hovers his finger over buildings like I WILL DESTROY THEM and my roommate came home one time while I was watching that part and was like what the actual fuck is happening and I was like there's not enough wine or time in the world to answer that question my dear. Another trouble is anything this person stuffs, it will come back to life. Simple enough answer to that would be DO BE A TAXIDERMIST, but that seems too easy. That had the fucking grossest twist when the dude that was stuffing creatures accidentally gets cut and he finds out HES STUFFED when all these rags and sand fall out of his arm, omg it was so fucking unsettling. There's a trouble where a person will become one with their house, it probably sucks for that person but like it's not fucking with anyone else for the most part. It would be like living in a smart house, assuming it did what you asked and not just whatever it wanted. There's some mermen and that is a particularly stupid episode, there's also a lady that every single thing that she eats automatically turns into cake. There's a woman who whenever she takes pictures and develops them, the people in the picture disappear, there's a man that is a bullet magnet, there's a woman whose touch causes mind numbing pain, there's a woman who whatever she touches explodes, there's a girl who trapped everyone in town inside a Christmas snow globe. This show, guys.

How about happy that we're sad martinis?

Here's a drinking you can play while watching. Drink when:

- Someone mentions the Colorado Kid

- Vince and Dave know a secret

- Any time a black person is on the screen

- Any one says "thinnie"

- Every mention of Duke not liking the police

- Every time Dwight gets shot

- Every guard tattoo or sign is seen

(Actually there is a website that has a drinking game, but it looks like it's only for the first couple seasons. Play both rules and decide you don't need a liver after all! Click here for their rules.)

Fun trivia question: who in this picture dies? (Hint: it's not the blonde or the white dudes)

So all in all, I love this show because it's fucking entertaining as shit.




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So now that I'm back in the blogging game, or trying to get back into the blogging game, here's some things you can expect me to write about this year: Dollhouse, Orange is the New Black season 5, Fargo season 3 weekly ramblings (WHEN WILL THE PREMIERE DATE BE RELEASED?!), Black Mirror, Doctor Who, Jessica Jones vs Luke Cage, Gilmore Girls: a Year in the Life, The Defenders, Man in the High Castle, Veep and maybe Westworld. Or maybe none of those, who knows? If you have any suggestions of shows you want me to watch and write about, let me know and I'll see what I can do. I might write more than once a month but my goal is to write once a month. I mean I can binge watch a show like nobody's business but sitting down and actually writing about it sometimes takes a lot of will power and I don't always have a lot of that. But I'm trying guys, I'm fucking trying. Thanks to whoever got this far reading this and see ya on the flippy-flip!