orange is the new black season 3 musings

spoilers y'all!!

Someone please buy all of these for me

This was my favorite season of Orange Is The New Black the first time I watched it and upon second watch, it's still my favorite season. It's a really well done season. Less Piper, a stomachable Alex, a great, super interesting overarching theme and story, and NO LARRY AT ALL. I REPEAT, NO PIE FUCKER AT ALL!!!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!

I semi-apologize ahead of time because I wrote most of this after the Orlando massacre and so a lot of my rants will be fueled by the disenfranchisement of the American people that's okay to die in a massacre (gays, latinos, blacks) vs the American people that would never die in a massacre and if they did there would actually be reform (rich, white, Wall Street men). But at the same time I also totally don't apologize because I'm angry, heartbroken, and upset by 50+ murders that took place this past weekend and I feel what I feel and I am what I am and who I am is a feminist and a pacifist who doesn't think that weapons that can shoot off 40 rounds in a minute is fucking necessary for civilian purposes. Also I wrote some of this drunk so there's that too. Anyways......

Lets continue fueling my anger and just start right off with suspect #1: Healy. This braindead mother fucker should not be in charge of anything and how he came to be is a fucking testament to the patriarchy. He really brings it home with his unreasonable hatred of Berdie. Okay, I guess it's not COMPLETELY unreasonable, Berdie is actually good at her job and the girls in the prison feel comfortable with her, which is something Healy never accomplished so I can somewhat understand his dislike. He's jealous. That's human, that's reasonable, that's understandable. But because he's Healy, he takes it up a notch because not only is someone better than him but it's a WOMAN and she's BLACK. Healy is double threatened, a woman of minority is fucking good at something? BETTER FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. White men are the only people that know anything and should be in charge!!!!! I mean, Healy kept telling Caputo, I'm so overwhelmed with work and Caputo brings in someone else and Healy is like DAFUQ?? It makes me wonder if he's telling Caputo he's so overwhelmed as an excuse as to why he fucking sucks at his job so much or if he truly was overwhelmed and then just was threatened by Berdie. I genuinely could believe either of those scenarios, though I don't know if I could pick which one was "better". Berdie even straight up ask him what's his fucking deal and he tells her "it's a woman thing, it's always a woman thing and because you are a minority". WHOOP there it is. So besides Healy's pointless rivalry with Berdie, he's got this weird shit going on with Red. At first I was like is Red really about this because COME ON GIRL you could do better. You're a straight woman in an all women's prison and you could do like 1 zillion times better. But Red is Red and she's no fucking fool. She's playing Healy like a goddamn fiddle, Healy flips his shit when she says she wants a divorce from her husband and projects all his personal bullshit on her because he truly is the best fucking counselor in the world. Speaking of being the best counselor in the entire world, he gives truly fantastic advice to little Soso. Now Soso is super annoying and it makes sense she has no friends but depression is a real fucking thing. Healy, SuperCounselor, though tells her that the secret to depression is that it's all in your head and no one wants to be friends with you because you're sad. Which are fantastic things to say to someone who needs help, truly truly fantastic. Then just to further his chauvinistic point home, he comes home to his wife and tells her to smile. Because she should just be happy he provides for her. Because she shouldn't exist outside of the parameter's Healy sets for her. Man, fuck this dude.

I also want to put this exchange between Red and Healy in here word for word because it beautifully summarizes all the things I want to say about this show but can't because I fucking suck at writing:

Healy: I'm a person. We're people. 

Red: No one in here is people. You think this is a normal relationship? Human to human? I take advantage, you get your feelings hurt. You forget that when you leave here tonight, you lock me in behind you. 

Healy: Hey, I don't make the rules. 

Red: You take a woman's power away. Her work, her family, her currency. You leave her with one coin... the one she was born with. It may be tawdry and demeaning, but if she has to, she will spend it. But you're right. Your feelings count, too.

Seriously, that shit is perfection.

So now let's talk about Piper and her journey into Litchfield's Walter White. It subtly built up to this, they kept dropping hints that Piper is self serving, smart, and manipulative. I mean, Alex has been saying that shit since season 1 but I try to tune out most of what Alex says because that voice is so fucking obnoxious. But Piper kept maintaining that she's some great person who was horribly led astray, I mean once and again in the earlier seasons she would say no, no I deserve this. I pretty much suck at being a good person. But for the most part, she was wrapped up in her own shit being victimized by everyone just about. But not anymore. She's embraced the narcissistic piece of shit that she is and realizes when she leaves this place, she needs something to go back to. So because she is smart, she comes up with the jail bird panty scheme and then is foiled BY THE HOTTEST FUCKING PERSON PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE, THAT HAS EVER OR WILL EVER GRACE OUR PLANET. OMG HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE IS THAT BEAUTIFUL? DOES THIS MEAN THAT GOD IS REAL? IS THIS DIVINE INTERVENTION? Unfortunately for us, Piper uses the Australian goddess as a scape goat and plants every goddamn piece of contraband on her. (Personally, I think she should've saved some of that contraband for someone else that she might have to take down later but that's just me, thinking ahead.) So I guess since the most beautiful woman in the world was sent down to max, we won't be seeing her again. *Tear* (also I miss Nicky too)

The biggest theme was from this season, I mean it practically beat you over the head with it- religion and it's affect on our lives. And everyone has a different religion- Nicky's was heroin, Mike Birbiglia's and the Prison for Profit people was capitalism (he was so blaise, I seriously had a hard time reading him. Was he being sarcastic? Was he patronizing Caputo? I feel like he was supposed to be a good guy but I'm just not sure), Gloria has Santaria, Cindy found Judaism, Norma started Norma-ism. It makes sense, that these girls turn to religion in one way or another, lots of inmates claim they found God before being sentenced to death. What if it's true? When you strip away a person's self worth, whose to say when it's all laid bare that they don't find some faith? Cindy's religious journey truly made her a more likable and relatable character. Before she was funny and over the top and slightly obnoxious but now she felt more real. Her father screaming bible verses and damning her to Hell, yeah that would turn a person away from the church. The Norma-ism was insane but that ties into another theme of this season which was loneliness. For some, Norma-ism was their way to feel connected, for Leeann, she missed the structure of the religious way of life. One sad but sweet moment of 2 of the ladies connecting was Taystee and Crazy Eyes, Crazy Eyes is so lonely and sad after Vee left last season and is so heartbroken and starts acting crazier than EVER. Taystee steps in and the two of them grieve because they were the only 2 people in the entire placed that lost anything when Vee died. It was nice to see Crazy Eyes to be included after that because she is so sweet and she really breaks my heart (and the actress that plays her is straight up BEAUTIFUL, she looks completely different in the show and I feel like that says a lot about her acting skills, damn). Each of them find or lose their way based on their faith and what they believe in, and this season even fucking ends with a baptism, both metaphorically and fucking literally.

JEEZ Black Cindy giving me feels

I feel like I need to say something about Pennsatucky. Her transition and her story over the past couple seasons is an example of great writing (take note Pretty Little Liars!). I hated her and her zealous personality but as she toned down and was stripped of her followers and struck up a friendship with Big Boo, you were able to finally see her humanity. This season even more so. Her story was the most heartbreaking and devastating stories told on this show. Anyone who's watched this season, that's usually the story that the reference first. Pennsatucky's horrific rape. Most of the people I've talked about this show with are women and maybe that's why her story strikes a chord. Because too many women have some sort of sexual assualt, harrassment, rape story that they've personally experienced and seeing Pennsatucky's story unfold in that manner makes her real. Because in truth, majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, maybe even trusts. The moment that the doughnut guard demanded Pennsatucky to fetch, my arm hair stood on end. I wanted to scream and tell her to run away, to tell another CO when she got back, to do anything at all but she didn't and she couldn't because she was helpless and deemed untrustworthy. Her reaction of defending him is all too common when we live in a society where we coddle rapists convicted of 3 felonies because he's also a victim here. The whole thing broke my heart and makes me sick to my stomach and is probably one of the best episodes done on the show.

Here's Taystee and Poussey talking about Harry Potter as a pick me up:

Sorry this is so short, I've been sucking at writing as I go along. I loved this season, I went to Catholic school for grade school and high school and grew up in a pretty Catholic family, my whole adolescence was shaped by living in a religion and I think that's why I really enjoyed it because I related to how these girls felt, their frustration with their faith, their doubts, and the comfort that is also found in it. But they took a lot of the aspects I didn't like in the previous seasons out and I think that's why I liked it so much too  (I'm looking at you, Pie Fucker). Onto season 4....

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So next season comes out tomorrow when I will be in Vegas so I'll start watching when I come home on Sunday and probably finish Monday evening because I have a fucking sickness. If you want to see my thoughts as I'm thinking them I will be tweeting as I watching and using the hashtag #WatchWithColleen.

Here's what I want from season 4:

- more focus on the background characters, especially ones where we haven't gotten an episode of yet
- no Piper/Alex drama
- Healy to get knocked down a peg
- more Taystee and Poussey
- as much Nina Sharp as possible (OMG FRINGE!)
- more of Piper's brother
- bring back Mama Gerardi even if it's only for one episode
- Cesar beats the FUCK out of Bennett
- Piper takes on a "Jesse" like apprentice ala Walter White style
- one season without rape
- Larry stays away forever

See yall next week!